i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
