arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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