She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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