phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
