I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
