She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
