when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
