Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
