I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
