I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
