hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
