I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
