I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Drunk is not a location!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
