i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
