At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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