The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
