youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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