Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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