i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
