We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Randomize
