how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
