There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
