she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
