If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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