i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
