She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
