I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
