last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
