i was born a porn star she said
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
