At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
