dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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