Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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