My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Randomize
