if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
