if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
