i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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