Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
