currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
