I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
