Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
