white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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