We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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