I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
