I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
