did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
