6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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