Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
