now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
