I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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