Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
